Joker Read online

  “She gonna make me build something?” asked Indiana. I shrugged as I leaned against my desk, looking up at the clock on the wall.

  “I don’t know. But I reckon whatever she has you do, you deserve it, buddy,” I replied. He nodded solemnly.

  Chapter One

  “I don’t understand why we had to take Mama’s ‘Mormon transport van’ to an event that is only an hour away,” I complained from the front seat of my mother’s lime green F350 van. My oldest brother, Bryce was behind the wheel, his wife Ashton sat in the row behind us next to my brother, Floyd. Floyd had his John Deere ballcap slung down over his eyes and he’d slid down, attempting to sleep. He was an ER doctor and had just come off a double shift. We all had our mama’s light brown hair and green eyes, but Bryce was built like a linebacker and Floyd was tall and lanky with brown eyes. Mordechai was the shortest at six feet, and always look corporate slick; he was also the only one of us who had black hair like our father.

  “It’s not a ‘Mormon transport van’, dummy. It’s Mama’s portable salon. And as for us coming with you, we have a plan,” muttered Floyd from under his ballcap. Ashton nodded and looked up from her Kindle; her toffee colored skin glowing and pretty. Her curly black hair was pulled back into a low bun and her chocolate brown eyes regarded me with amusement. Ashton was nearly nine months pregnant with my future niece or nephew and always had a smile plastered on her face. She was a kindergarten teacher in the building next to mine and all the kids and parents loved her.

  “I always get nervous when the Garcia brothers have a plan. Besides, Bryce told me this was going to be like a babymoon. Mermaid Winery has some of the best food in Norfolk,” she said with a laugh as she rubbed her belly. Even her enthusiasm did nothing to dull my nervousness.

  “I’m not nervous about the actual auction, it’s the ‘plan’ Floyd and Bryce have cooked up,” I replied. Ashton leaned forward and squeezed my shoulder in sympathy.

  “You got the date all figured out?” asked Bryce as he pulled off the highway. I nodded.

  “Yeah man. Your wife helped me out big time with that one. We’re going to the Virginia Zoo . . .” I started before Floyd leaned forward as he tipped his hat back.

  “You’re gonna take a girl on a date to the zoo?” he asked, eyebrow raised. Ashton pursed her lips and shook her head, but not at me.

  “It’s an event called Kiss and Tail. You get to learn about cool animal stuff and there’s finger foods. Plus, after the presentation, there’s a twilight zoo tour. And then, he’s taking her to the Winery for dinner,” she said, poking Floyd in the arm. Floyd smirked at her and shook his head.

  “Real classy. Hey ladies, spend hundreds of dollars on me and I’ll whisk you away to a place that smells like shit,” muttered Floyd. Bryce shook his head as he drove.

  “Why you always gotta be so mean?” asked Bryce, directing the question at Floyd. Floyd grinned and shrugged.

  “Oh, now I’m mean? Is it because your wife helped arrange the date that its ok? Cuz I bet you any amount of money, if Joker here had organized it himself . . . this very date, you’d be on my side of the argument, teasing him like there’s no tomorrow!” argued Floyd. Ashton shook her head.

  “Ya’ll are ridiculous. Let me ask you this, Floyd Mayweather Garcia, where was the last place you took a date? And before you answer, think long and hard about the definition of a date. It’s not dinner at your place and then sex on the floor of your living room. A date where one, you know the name of the person you are with and, two, you have intelligent conversation during the span of time you’re together; possibly while listening to some nice, mood music,” said Ashton, her voice raising. Floyd had the decency to look thoughtful.

  “And by intelligent conversation she doesn’t mean ‘harder’ ‘give it to me, Floyd’ and when she said music . . . she didn’t mean hearing sounds that replicate someone running in flip flops,” I yelled out. Bryce snorted and shook his head, his cheeks getting red as he held out his fist for me to bump. Floyd frowned and flipped us off as Ashton giggled.

  “Sounding like someone running with flip flops . . .” giggled Ashton to herself.

  “I took a girl to the Overlook for dinner,” muttered Floyd. Ashton’s eyes widened, and she nodded in approval at the mention of one of our town’s fanciest restaurants. Bryce held up his hand and I couldn’t hold back my own snort of laughter.

  “You took your date for prom there, in 1998. You ended up banging her in the bathroom and got kicked out. Nice try, cowboy,” bellowed Bryce. Floyd flipped him off again and crossed his arms over his chest; a sullen expression on his face.

  “There should be some kinda survey you have to take, like when you speed date. You know, somethin’ along the lines of ‘Tell me 50 things about your family’ or somethin’ like that,” muttered Ashton. Bryce grinned. Floyd tipped his hat back and smiled widely, his eyes flashing with something akin to mischief.

  “Yeah, I wonder if on that survey, Bryce would tell you about the time he banged his Spanish teacher in her classroom when he was a senior,” replied Floyd. Ashton gasped, and Bryce swung his arm in the back of the car, like an angry dad trying to whoop his kid. His meaty fist connected with Floyd who groaned at the contact. Ashton scooted into the seat behind, her cheeks red.

  “Really? A teacher, Bryce Garcia?” she hissed. Bryce stopped swinging at Floyd and bit his lip.

  “Baby, it was a year before I met you. It was just sex,” he told her. Ashton crossed her hands over her chest.

  “Whatever,” she muttered. She looked out the window and I had a feeling they were going to be discussing this over dinner tonight. Last week, Ashton had made Bryce sleep on the couch for something else he did before he even met her.

  “Good job, asshole,” I muttered to Floyd, who, like a child, promptly gave me a wet willy. Grabbing a handkerchief out of my back pocket, I wiped his saliva out of my ear.

  “Anyone wanna tell me what’s goin on with Indiana?” asked Floyd. I sighed loudly. Bryce shook his head.

  “He got suspended for a whole week for fighting. Apparently, the kids were teasing him because he has two dads,” I replied. Bryce’s face looked grim and he clutched the steering wheel harder.

  “Suspended though?” asked Ashton. I nodded.

  “He broke one kid’s nose and the other boy broke his collar bone when Indiana pushed him off the bleachers,” I replied. Floyd whistled, and Bryce shook his head.

  “The other boys? Are they gonna get punished for startin’ the fight?” asked Ashton. I nodded.

  “All three got themselves suspended. And the principal is talking about doing some type of diversity training,” I replied. Bryce snorted.

  “Trying to teach a bunch of boys raised by rednecks to be diverse. Gooood luck with that business. Your boss has high hopes for the kids in Pretty Boy, if you ask me,” remarked Bryce.

  “I hate to agree with you, but in this instance, you’re one hundred percent correct. As far as Indiana is concerned, he’s going to be doing work for Mama for the foreseeable future. And with Mordechai’s trip being extended, we really need to help Mama out with him,” I told them. Everyone nodded in agreement.

  I read over the program for the event for the next half hour of our trip. There was, besides the bachelor’s auction, going to be a silent auction with various goods and services donated by local businesses and companies. My eyes lit on a basket donated by Pretty Boy Animal Shelter, one of the only no-kill shelters in our county. They were offering free dog training, grooming and a week of doggy day care. My English bulldog, Short Round would love something like that. I made a note to place a bid before I had to get on stage. My phone pinged as I was looking through the rest of the information Nadine had sent me. I saw that I had a message from my friend, Colton.

  Colton: Heyyyy Joker. You almost here or did you chicken out?

  Me: Shut the hell up, assface. You there already?

  Colton: Yeah. Wanted to scope the place out. You coming alone?
/>   Me: Cuz that’s not a weird question.

  Colton: Sorry I’ve been watching videos all day. I can’t believe I’m doing this

  Me: They call that porn nowadays and I think you need to see someone about your problem

  Colton: We don’t have to get naked for this right? Just a nice suit and the damn mask?

  Me: Nadine told me we had to wear black speedos and a bow tie. And if we needed to, make the ladies beg for more. If you feel the need to get naked, that’ll prob drive up the bids. Oooh and do the helicopter thing where you make your dick slap against your stomach. Ladies love that shit. It’s for a good cause, bro

  I laughed as I typed the last message, especially when I didn’t hear from him. My phone pinged, and I laughed louder when I saw the message was from Nadine.

  Nadine: What in the hell are you telling Colton? He came up to me just now going on about something called a ‘dancing bear’ and how he didn’t bring a Speedo??!!!! And what’s a ‘helicopter move’? Seriously, he already has reservations about this without your practical jokes!

  Me: I think he’s been watching too much porn. I had nothing to do with it

  Nadine: Jacoby, he showed me his phone. Nice try. Stop trying to scare him, you know how gullible he is!!!!

  She followed that message with a frowny face complete with devil horns. I chuckled and then full on laughed as Colton texted me again.

  Colton: You’re a dick! Nadine thinks I’m a perverted idiot now, thanks a lot asshole!

  Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about. See you on stage! Don’t forget your Speedo, lover boy. And stop whining to everyone about how you don’t want to do this shit. Sack up, Colton!

  I don’t get nervous. Never. And I don’t get nervous about standing up in front of a group of people; hell, I’m a high school teacher. But this was different. According to the text I received from Ashton, the room was not only packed with eager bidders, it was overflowing. I took a sip from my bottle of water and looked around the large backstage room. Colton was typing away on his phone, probably working on a piece about the venue we were at. The other bachelors milled around, dressed in tuxes and suits like we were all going to some sort of weird prom. I twirled my black mask around my finger absently.

  “Nervous?” asked Colton as he came over, sliding his phone into his pocket and fixing me with his piercing blue eyes. He ran a hand over his black hair and looked around. I smirked and shook my head. For someone who’d complained about doing this whole auction, he looked pretty damn self -assured.

  “Nope, I’m good. I’m not a big whiner baby like you are. But hey, the room is packed with eligible ladies, from what Ashton told me. Maybe a hottie from the local adult retirement community will snatch you up and live out her Fifty Shades fantasies with you,” I replied with a chuckle. I elbowed him and nodded my head in the direction of a tall, lanky guy with longish blonde hair, in a tux decorated with Pac Man symbols. His mask was askew, as was his hair.

  “At least you don’t look like that dude,” I muttered. Colton shook his head and then fixed me with a narrow stare.

  “Yeah . . . wait you brought your family?!” he hissed. He looked around the room as if he expected my older brothers to jump out and terrorize him. They’d given us a run for our money when we were kids and, in the process, taught us how to painlessly execute pranks.

  “Calm down, Four Eyes . . . we aren’t gonna hurt ya,” said my brother Floyd as he leaned against the wall, a lazy smile on his face. Colton’s eyes got big, but he played it off with a smirk.

  “Hey, Floyd,” he muttered, flipping my brother off. Floyd grinned.

  “What’s that all about?” he asked me.

  “Can you blame him? You and the rest of the guys terrorized the two of us as kids. What are you doing back here anyways?” I asked as I straightened my tie. Floyd smiled and looked around the room.

  “Some guy just went for two grand. Two grand for a date with a stranger,” replied Floyd. Colton whistled.

  “Really?” I asked. Floyd nodded, his face solemn.

  “Since you’re in awe of what the ladies out there are bidding . . . why don’t you pretend to be me and go out there? Consider it payment for all the times you messed with me when we were kids?” asked Colton. Floyd smirked and looked him up and down.

  “Nah, but thanks Colton. You have to do this shit on your own. Besides, ladies all over are aware of who I am and my long . . . reputation,” he said with a smirk and grab of his crotch. I groaned. Floyd chuckled and walked away.

  “How does he work in a hospital . . . around people?” asked Colton. I laughed.

  “Honestly, I don’t know. I think it’s because they don’t administer psychological testing to their doctors or something. He’s the weirdest of all my brothers,” I replied. I looked off to the left and my heart lurched up in my throat before it dropped down into my stomach like a lead balloon. Mckenna Low was here. I hadn’t seen him since . . . since Kevin died. He’d picked my sorry ass up from the floor when I’d gotten black out drunk after Kevin’s funeral. McKenna had been so tight with my sarcastic, smart ass of a big brother. He’d also been the one who’d tried to get Kevin help when he came back home a battered, empty man. I broke away from Colton and gave him a smile, nervousness swirling in my stomach.

  “Are you a ghost?” I asked him, earning a smile from the tattooed rocker in front of me. When we were kids, he’d been less inked and quick with the comebacks; I’d been jealous of that until I learned some witty remarks of my own.

  “Hey, Joker. Long time no see. You keeping on the straight and narrow? I mean, aside from covering Nadine in bees on live television,” he chuckled. Colton laughed at the reference. I ran a hand over my face.

  “Dude, why do ya think I’m here? I owe her for that. It’s so good to see you. Kevin would’ve . . . he would’ve dug this whole thing. It’s been too long, and I feel like an asshole for not keeping in contact, especially with what’s going on with your mom,” I started before he put his hand on my arm and gave me a kind smile.

  “Its fine. We’ll get together soon,” he promised before we were interrupted by Nadine’s assistant.

  I was lined up after three guys, waiting to go on. Colton had run to the men’s room and I wanted to watch how the auctions went. There were at least over 150 women crammed into the banquet room that was tastefully decorated with a “love” theme throughout. My head shot up as Nadine walked out onto the stage, microphone in hand. A gentleman followed her and stood next to her quietly. She beamed at the crowd, who immediately quieted once she held the microphone up to her mouth.

  “Good evening, everyone. If you could just take a seat, the bachelor’s auction will begin shortly,” she told the crowd. She clicked off the microphone and walked back over to us. She gave us all her megawatt smile.

  “Okay, gentlemen. We’re about to start. Give ‘em your best smiles and wow the pants off ‘em. Well, no, not literally. No one has to do anything beyond going out on a date, you got that?” she asked. Everyone nodded in agreement. Nadine nodded and smiled.

  “Okay then. Let’s go raise some money, boys!” she sang as she walked back out to the buzzing crowd, who applauded.

  “Welcome ladies . . . and gentleman to this evening’s auction to benefit Healing Heroes. This wonderful organization takes rescue dogs that are living in shelters and need loving homes; and trains them to support our brave men and women who currently are suffering from PTSD and need help coping here at home. Before we get to the bachelor’s auction, I wanted to mention that we have a variety of items on the back table donated from businesses all over the city. Gift cards, a basket for your furry friends at home, vintage wines, dinners at 5-star restaurants and even a free tattoo, are all up for grabs! There’s definitely something for everyone back there, so make sure you check out each lot on the table,” she told the crowd. She looked over her shoulder at us and then back to the crowd once more.

  “Now that we’ve handled that one bit of busine
ss, our next item of business is strictly for the ladies!” she proclaimed, to the sound of whistles, catcalls and enthusiastic clapping. Nadine giggled.

  “Tonight, we have some of Norfolk and the surrounding area’s most eligible bachelors, hand- picked by yours truly. They’ll take you on a variety of dates some of which are sweet and romantic, others are filled with fun and excitement, while others will appeal to the adrenaline junkies out there. You can bid on the bachelor that catches your eye or the date itself, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is supporting and raising money for an amazing charity. But I can guarantee that we’ll have a lot of fun doing just that. So ladies, all I ask right now is that you open up those purses, whip out your wallets and welcome bachelor number one to the stage. My handsome friend here is going to get this auction started,” she sang as the applause swelled around us. Nadine then nodded to the man standing to her left, he must be the auctioneer. I knew that Nadine was a talented woman, but I thought calling an auction was beyond her many talents. He was taller than she, with dark hair and tanned skin; he wore a flawless black tuxedo. With a dimpled, white smile, he took the microphone from Nadine, turned to the crowd and the auction began.

  “Bachelor number 4 is about to take the stage. Are you having a good time, ladies?” asked Nadine awhile later. Her question was met with applause and shouts. Nadine laughed and cocked her head as music played.